People like me, we’re just happy we’re lonely.
With this as a reference, Well that woman happened to be the girl I gave a gift to last valentine’s. Here’s the summary of why I did that and WTF went on my mind when I conjured the idea.
At first I thought it was purely and solely because I wanted to show her the gratitude of secretly using her character as my new story began unfolding. I was able to fully use them all, save for her name. Its not finished, but I’m about done with chapter one of God-knows-how-many-more chapters. I really enjoyed working with her character, since when I ranted last time, I MAY have been just looking at her darkside towards me, and never actually saw the real her around EVERYONE else.
So I decided to buy her a little present right? I asked for advice from different forums, friends, and her friends too (without saying to whom was the gift for). I was able to get the perfume and lotion thingy from Victoria’s Secret, both were of the Endless Love scent. I was able to get the present to her in one piece, despite the fact that the transportation of the gift from the store to my house was pure hell for me.
I gave the gift to her personally. She reacted quite astonished with her little eyes suddenly popping out of sheer surprise and curiosity. All in all, that day was good. The worse came after.
Here’s where the blog’s title sets in. I felt awkwardly happy after the events of Valentine’s day. With that said, I felt VERY uncomfortable. Why? because a few years back, I decided to ditch the feeling of LOVE. I know, cheesy right? “ooooh! the most whored-out word! how corny! yuck!” whatever. I’ve never felt it since 3rd year HS, but now it just comes back! I mean…WTF?! right? I felt very disturbed about this.
“Was the thing about her character usage just an excuse for me to give her a gift?” “Was I really just GIVING her a gift? or was I suggesting something else?” “Have I fell for this girl?” these questions really bothered me after Valentine’s. I can barely go a few minutes without her image just randomly popping out inside my head. I know its exaggerating it, but you get the picture right? Its scary for me since I’m supposed to hate this girl, I’m supposed to be annoyed and disgusted at her sight and yet here I am, thinking about her!
The thing that really annoyed me the most about this love-thing? Is the fact that I get jealous and envious for no-reason whatsoever. Jealous because she’s a boy’s best friend, being able to cope with what men talk about like bands, sports, music, parties, etc. and I seem to have trouble seeing her with other guys! >_> Envious because I know (and I am aware) that I could never get to be so close to her in my lifetime. EVER. I envied the other guys on how they can just talk to her about stupid stuff and they have a blast about it. I barely talk 3 words with her! I
I am very irritated at myself because of this! Why did I have to fall for her?! Why do I feel this way towards her?! WHY HER?! of all the hot women out there, why did I fall for the most annoying one? Why couldn’t it be some hot sexy girl from somewhere I don’t care?! Why do I have to see her everyday and be annoyed because I can’t be the way I want to be with her?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
I know what it felt to be heartless, it felt numb, alone, and dark. It was good for me since it helped me focus on what was necessary and not what could have been just “fun” for me. Now, with a heart, I feel pain. Pain knowing that I won’t be the guy she’ll choose. Pain knowing that she just won’t notice me no matter what I do to gain her favor. Pain knowing that being loved by the one I care for will never happen.
It really does hurt to have a heart. Its not all smiles and flowers. Most get what their heart sought for, a few just can’t cut it the way most people do. I’m one of the few people who just can’t find the “thing” most people have. It may be because of my lack of sacrifice to be close to her. (READ: I don’t have any vices, I have a curfew to keep, and I have grades and reports to be done. Hence, whenever they party late night or just hang out, I’m always absent.)
It’s so much better to be lonely and miserable. You don’t have to expect anything and still be satisfied. I don’t know how long will I be in love with her, but I’m hoping I don’t get hurt in the process.