The 9th Soul

I got Potchi out and she seems relaxed

Posted in health, life, Special posts by Fated Blue on March 20, 2011

The family finally decided to let her be with us on her final days. I got her back this afternoon from the vet. The results of her blood exam was really bad. Everything was either too high or too low. She’s also suffering from heart worms, liver failure, and kidney failure. Not to mention the 1 year old mammary tumor she has. I felt so helpless upon realizing how sick she is. I asked the vet how long she has and he told me he can’t exactly pinpoint but he said it’ll be this week. I wished Potchi would live to at least see my brother graduate from high school. But that would be too selfish on my part. I told the vet that if she ever pulls through until Saturday, I’ll be putting her to sleep.

When the vet said she might die this week, I also felt a sigh of relief for Potchi. Relief because at least I have an idea when it’ll happen and that her suffering would finally end. She’s been the family dog, together with Patchi, for at least a decade. A damn decade. That’s half my lifetime. It hurts so much on my part because she witnessed me grow up to be what I am today. From a brat to a man. It’s like losing a guardian who’s been there almost all your life and she was able to witness your life unfold and the many problems and happiness you experienced. This is why I am so helpless right now.

Right after we got home, she immediately just lied down on the ground, too tired to simply move about. Because of her pride, though, she moved away from me and my bro when she urinated. Then she hid behind the car, walking sluggishly, so she could vomit. And my God, she collapsed on the ground right after. I felt my heart stop as I witnessed this. I immediately grabbed her and pulled her away from her vomit and placed her in her favorite spot which is the garden. That’s where she always rests but she rarely sleeps there. She usually sleeps by the gates so she could still guard us, even if she was asleep. I tried giving her medicine the vet prescribed. I know it’ll be futile since she’ll soon pass but I just want to let her know I’m still trying and that her master is there fighting for her even if she’s too tired to fight.

The vet prescribed 6 meds but I only got 3: Dextrose, a painkiller, and something to cure her lost appetite. The other 3 were treatments for her heart, liver, and kidneys but I figured it’ll just be harder for her with me trying to make her suffering longer. Dextrose is for energy since she’s really not into solid food right now. The appetite meds, I’m not even sure if I’ll make her drink that because she’s simply too weak to digest food and I can’t make her liver suffer because of what she’s eating. And she was excreting with blood now. I can’t let her go through all that. The painkiller, I dissolved it together with the dextrose and used a syringe to make her drink. It was a needle-less syringe.

It still hurts me, to see her like that. She’s sleeping right now but I can tell she’s really happy to be back to where she grew up in, together with the family she lived to love and protect, together with her master who will always love her and never forget her and her really noisy sister who loves her just as much.

Oh, I just wonder how sad Patchi would be now that her sister will be gone. Patchi’s really lonely right now. Patchi was so glad to see her sister back when dad brought Potchi out of the car but now that Patchi is seeing Potchi this way, she now has that lonely look on her face. I told Patchi I was sorry I couldn’t really do anything for her big sis and that I’ll be with her even if Potchi leaves us both. Patchi has always been with Potchi so it goes without saying that she’ll be so lonely now that she’ll not only lose a sister but also lose a partner when the family leaves the house to go somewhere. I just hope she won’t be so lonely that it’ll make her sick.

I hear from the news that tonight’s supposed to be the “Super Moon” event. I guess Potchi will be going towards the moon then. The moon will just have to remind me of her whenever I look at it, and I look at it every night and now it’ll make me cry.

I love Potchi and Patchi so much. They’re like the sisters I never had. They’re one of the few women who saw me naked. The others were my grandma, my mom, some relatives, and a few doctors and nurses. I’d always tell them about my problems and my happy days and they would be there, listening to me. I’d give them a pat on the head or a biscuit whenever I’d feel like it. And I often feel like it.

When Potchi goes, I’ll miss her bark and the way she sends me off when I’d go out for work or a morning jog and the way she’d greet me when I get home. She sends me off and greets me the same way: She would jump to her highest effort and bark her loudest repeatedly. Wishing me, or my family, safe travels and expressing how happy she is that we’re back. She often does this together with Patchi.

She looks so peaceful now. It’s as if she’s really just sleeping and she has no sickness whatsoever. I only miss her days when she would do what she normally does. And I’ll miss her when she’s gone, always looking for that white dog who watches over me no matter what. Patchi will no longer have someone to share the food we bring home. Patchi and I, we’ll both be crushed. I just know it. But I have to be strong for Potchi. I want her to see me being brave for her because I know she wants me to be and that she wants me to take care of Patchi and everyone in the family for her after she goes.

I just wish I didn’t take her for granted and that I could turn back time to when she was brought to me and I’ll love her ten times more or even a billion times more.

I’ll miss cleaning the garage off your urine and stool. I’ll miss cleaning your bowls. I’ll miss bringing home food for you. I’ll miss the feeling that you’ll be there to see me off and greet me back. But most of all, I’ll miss you.

I love you my little Potchi. It’s okay to let go without me by your side. But when you can, call for me. Go into my dream and tell me to see you off. I’ll wake up for you, no matter what time it is. And if I can’t be there for you, because of my job or whatnot, go peacefully and don’t forget me and your family when you get up there. I’ll always look up to the skies, knowing you’re watching over us. Because I know you will and because you always have.

I’m just sorry this is all I could do to remember you. I have pictures and I swear to God I will never delete them and I will always have them with me.

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