I don’t know how to love properly
Just to let you guys know: I have issues when it comes to showing how I truly feel about a person.
Seriously. I acknowledge that very well. This is also the reason why I haven’t had a girlfriend in my entire life.
I once went to a website that sends people to hell (like Jigoku Shoujo) and wrote the name of my crush there. I even called her a slut.
I don’t know. I guess when I feel like I’m in love, I often interpret that as hate. Hate because my logical way of thinking is disrupted and I see that woman as a distraction; a distraction in attaining my objective/s.
Time flies and makes me realize that I’m not really annoyed at the way she makes me think twice about what I do.
I realize, very, very slowly, that I let myself fall for that woman.
This in turn, makes me hate myself for not being able to control my emotions. Why? I for one often interpret “feelings” as signs of weakness in a person specifically the types that have no time for them i.e. people who simply can’t afford to be distracted, like me. Why can’t I be distracted? Well, I guess it has something to do with me having goals in life that I want to attain.
Often times, however, I’d start talking/thinking to myself (sometimes raging) on what the fuck has happened to me and why I let myself lose control like that. I punch walls on really worst occasions. I also work out 3x as much with all the rage I feel inside me. Which causes me to get so tired all I think about is rest and sleep. But when I actually do lie in bed (after a long shower), I start sweating even in the coldness night due to my heart beat racing; the very profile of the woman in my head.
I know it’s just me and probably myself overreacting. I don’t have any excuses. If there were some, I guess it would be that I’m not very mature when it comes to, uh, “admiration”. I have no idea on how it works and what I’m supposed to do about it.
Also, when I like someone, I usually end up giving myself reasons NOT to like her. It starts with my own personal evaluation which usually goes like this, in order of thought:
1. I’m not good enough.
2. I’m not rich.
3. I’m not cool.
4. I’m no fun.
5. I’m not as amazing as she is.
6. I can’t make her happy.
7. She deserves someone who isn’t me.
This works for some time. But it gets to a point where convincing myself won’t cut it anymore. Inexplicably, my brain grows accustomed to the reasons as mere excuses for idiots and my heart starts to long for that “feeling” again. This part here is like me going cold turkey and my body is literally craving for the drug.
To offset this, I do the following:
1. I do my best to make myself as irritable as possible for her. Why, you ask? Because if she’s irritated by my mere presence, then she will most likely ignore me and I’ll most likely not bother with her anymore.
2. I ignore her. This is quite a challenging and toilsome task, I tell you. It’s like you’re telling me not to exercise. And God knows I like working out.
3. This is really ugly and very cruel of me but I think of ways NOT to like her. For example, I look at her and tell myself how she’s not really beautiful or how fat she is, etc. I also like to acknowledge past events that have aggravated me, you know, like opening up healed wounds all over again.
4. I become paranoid, thinking that maybe her dude-friend over there notices the way I’ve been staring at her and has been telling her that I’m a very creepy guy and should tread carefully when conversing with me. This in turn makes me want to hate both of them nonsensically. I don’t know why either. I guess it’s just the human mind interpreting hate for happiness. And I’m telling you, hating can give me goosebumps so good, you’d rather have them than orgasms.
5. I end up judging her in a very evil way. I often observe her and interpret her actions as annoying as fuck. Like for example, the way she would sway her arms indifferently when she walks, I’d tell myself “Oh great, it’s little miss ‘I sway my arms like crazy when I walk’. Ugh. /rolleyes” or maybe the way she would laugh so indiscriminately and I would tell myself “There she goes again, my eardrums can barely hold themselves together.”
I’m evil. I know. But let me tell you that because I realized how I lov…admired this girl so much, a constant battle goes on in my head and in my heart, making both of them hurt like hell.
I often feel my heart palpitating, my skin sweating, and my head having a migraine just thinking about it. I often feel my blood pressure shoot up, causing nausea. And for those who know me, I’m sure I told you that my heart is not exactly “normal” i.e. it’s bigger than the usual so my blood pressure is normal at 140/100.
But when I do actually TRY to be kind to her, all sorts of shit happen.
Like for example, I once blogged a bit too openly and too much that a whole bunch of my friends immediately knew about it and it didn’t exactly give me the points I wanted. And recently, I tend to try and act so cool in an annoying fashion. How annoying? Try “Saying-random-stuff-that-seems-to-be-trendy-and-cool-but-all-I-really-wanted-to-say-was-‘Hi!'” annoying.
I also occasionally “spy” on whatever she is doing, particularly in her social networking site, digging up pictures, lost notes, favorites, hates, etc. It’s practically me wanting to know more about her but since I’m all shy-boy, I’m afraid to ask and would much rather find things out, even by traces, via Google.
I have this tendency to care too much about a woman when I like her a lot. Like I ask around how she’s doing or why’s she so sad the other day or why did she not come to school or office yesterday, etc. I also leave messages in some social networking site of hers to have that “I’m here for you if you need anything” effect to it but it often gets deleted once they read it.
AND I HAVE NO FUCKING PROBLEM ABOUT THAT.
I mean, even I would get creeped out when I feel that someone is getting too attached or trying to do something weird to get me to like that someone. And besides, if I she had friends, co-workers, that would end up reading them and probably make an issue out of it, I’d REALLY PREFER IT if she deleted them.
After all of that, I’d start thinking of ways to get her to like me again. And, well, let’s just say I haven’t exactly polished the arts and crafts of being liked again. I try to express them too much with material things (Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, Valentine’s gifts, All Saint’s Day gifts, etc.) and this often leads me to go around the Metro and around the net, surveying women, Googling latest trends, and basically doing everything in the best of my abilities to find out what she would like for a certain occasion EXCEPT asking her personally. And it’s all wishful thinking from there.
I don’t exactly know how to resolve this. I haven’t exactly made the previous one like me back, and I’m not betting on this one either. I just wish I would magically gain the stuff she wants in guys and everything would be okay from there.
And which is why I see “feelings” as a distraction.