There has to be more to life than this
I’ve been a mess this past week.
I lost all hope in driving properly.
I got demotivated in working.
And I really have no one to like at work.
The third one sucks so bad, it completely surpasses the first two.
I went to LTO Manila last Tuesday to finally acquire my Driver’s license. And you know what? I didn’t do any studying since I was so arrogant about it which made me fail the written exam. Not only did I waste my time but also the pay I was supposed to get that day. But I’m quite thankful I failed, though. I mean, I don’t exactly have good driving experience yet. I would’ve wasted MORE time had I passed the written test and waited hours for the practical driving exam. I thank God he didn’t inspire me to study for the test. I would’ve fucked up the whole driving part and would’ve made the instructor more stressed than he already is. Thanks a lot almighty Deity.
I have a good job. I love it. I’m willing to work until the day I die for this job. It was like that until I realized how futile everything is becoming. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very fulfilling job and I’d gladly recommend it to anyone interested in becoming a food scientist but I’m somehow mysteriously losing the will to work. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tired of doing the same thing every day or if it has something to do with the third reason. It’s like I don’t care anymore. I used to smile a lot at work. Now I only smile when I HAVE to smile. Otherwise I’m just being my usual stoic self. Stoicism rocks by the way. You can feel a whole range of emotions and be as lifeless as a rock for all you care.
And let me just emphasize that it’s not the people at work that’s been getting to me. You know what? I think I’ll sum this up and just conclude that I’m bored and without inspiration to work. No drama.
So I really like this girl, right? I “know” her in a sense that I’ve developed an uncanny way of analyzing people and “knowing” their personalities and behavior without asking them a single question. I made a mistake by doing that to this girl. I fear I know too much about her that I found myself out of questions to ask her. Which made me lose interest in her over all.
She’s smart and I love smart women. You can be fugly and I’d love you to death simply because your brain works a bit differently than the rest of this fucked up society. And I fell in love with that quality of hers. I’m not saying she’s ugly or any of that sort. Stop making assumptions. She’s very beautiful. Beauty is fucking subjective in case you’re still ignorant. I mean, she has no idea about the beauty she radiates. She’s into cool stuff that guys like and almost no indication of that girly-stuff we’re all accustomed to. Combine this with a very powerful mind? You got me the moment you explained how you think the world should work.
The catch? She hates my guts. Ugh. I have this thing for falling for women whom I know will instantaneously hate my life force the moment I show interest. I must be such an emotional masochist, always going for the one that’ll break me into millions of tiny shards of frozen tear drops. To remedy this, however, I decided to just go to war with her. It’ll be all me, though. It’s always fun to pretend you’re at war with someone who just simply hates you for what you really are. It gives me a good endorphin boost whenever I hate her in my mind. Fuck Valentine’s Day. Fuck her upcoming birthday. I’ll mess her up so bad, she’ll have to hate me for an eternity.
With all the ramblings,you’d think I’d feel sad and lonely and probably helpless. But you know what? Fuck that. I woke up this morning with the realization that there has to be more to life than this. It can’t be just a routine wherein you wake up, eat, work, eat, work, go home, internet, and sleep. All this in hoping you’ll get to keep your job until the next pay day. At this rate, people are just looking forward to the money and the effort to get it.
If you’re just in it for the money then you’re job’s a joke. That’s the truth and nothing but. I don’t want to wake up one day only to realize I wasted a decade or two because I hoped I’d get far in life with what I was doing. I don’t want that. I’d rather be dead than be like that. Because when everything else is a chore, is your life still worth living for?
I have to tell you, I’m quite suicidal. In fact, I visited a site for suicidals and decided to read their stories. Then I figured being suicidal is really not my thing but I love the feeling of blaming myself for everything bad that’s happening to me so meh. I’m not gonna commit suicide but I’ll keep on dreaming on what’s it like to jump off a bridge or to never wake up from sleep.
I mean, I realized this morning that I want a certain thrill in this slow life of mine. A near-death experience, if you would call it. I feel as if I’ve conformed too much to the standards that I’ve lost the very essence of what life really is all about. And that answer usually comes at a very late age nowadays. Like those books with the whole “Life begins at 50” or something. I mean, why wait ’til you’re fifty years old? Why can’t one’s life begin earlier? Or is it because society has groomed most of the world’s human population to be slaves to money?
I have no idea. I really don’t have a clue on how to solve the questions I’ve often asked myself in times of intense boredom (yes, boredom can be very intense for me) and soul-searching solitude. I’m confused and I feel as if I’ll be confused as long as I conform to what society wants me to do. And that’s to fit in and be a boring human being who gets up to earn money and sleep to do the same thing all over again the next day.
I need to change this part of my life while I’m still young (enough). And to quote the best cartoon character MTV ever produced: