Dried-Up Tears: Two Fridays In A Row
Today, I just found out how foolish I was. Yes, you read that right, foolish. I feel like I’m the world’s dumbest dumb guy ever in the history of being dumb. All I’ve been doing to try and appease the beast was simply a fucking waste of time. The beast simply didn’t want me to try to make it and I go along. She simply wants someone else to appease her. So you know what? Screw her.
Two Fridays in a row that I cried in that little room within the vacant labs. It was my special place in that building simply because it allowed me to scream, punch walls, scream some more, and punch walls more. It was also quite dark and very few people ever tread the path going there. But it never occurred to me that I’ll be using that very same room to cry. To sing and all that shit, yes. But to cry for the woman I KNEW I can actually love forever? NO WAY IN HELL.
The first time, it was simply me being a childish boy who cried because she wouldn’t accept the little pudding I wanted her to taste. It wasn’t drugged, mind you. Mom made it and whatever mom made was very special. Everyone else knows how great it is except her. So being the nice guy that I want to be for her, I summed up the courage (also a lot of self-convincing and advice from friends in about two and a half hours) to actually man it up and tell myself “I got nothing to lose”. I knew she would reject it but I still did it anyway because I felt she was worth the painful feeling of rejection.
So she rejected the pudding, no, she rejected me and I said thank you. Why thank you? Because she didn’t humiliate me in front of other people. I always assume the worst case scenario in every decision I make so I’m quite thankful she didn’t drop me so hard. She also flashed an evil grin but I didn’t mind. I calmly and slowly walked back to my office table and listened to the songs I loved hearing. And before you know it, I broke a poor pencil in two. I then felt my eyes becoming watery so I RAN to my special place at the back and just LET IT ALL OUT. I was on my knees there, begging something for some form of divine intervention, thinking death was a pleasant option I really had to take instead of the pain that was coursing through me; through my heart. And it rendered me helpless and just weak.
I’ve experienced something like this before and it was her who made me feel that way too. So my undying and persistent love for her thought “Hey, dude. It’s gonna be okay. She’s beautiful that way…” and I was like “DERP! YES! *drools*”. I was that madly in love with her.
I let a week pass by and in between those weeks, my heart simply kept beating for her despite the damage it sustained FROM her. I even wrote about how I cannot not love her all week despite my efforts of averting my unwavering feeling of fondness of her.
Then Friday came much worse than Rebecca Black’s debut single. It started when I was busy typing my work when I felt goosebumps for no apparent reason. I then had this bad feeling something happened and it involved her. I texted my friend to know what’s up and told me something did happen. I proceeded to the labs to get a closer look when my friend’s friend came to me and told me how she felt sorry for me and how she feels for me. And I was like “Huh?” and it reaffirmed my instincts.
At lunch time, my friend (the one I texted), notified me of what happened. She told me the sweets I gave to them, only for her and her friend, somehow found its way through the beast’s claws and she tried it out for herself. Now my friend’s friend then said “[My name] gave that…” with a smile on her face. The beast, shocked, spat it all out in the open. And I felt sorry for my friend’s friend and how she had to see something like that from someone as sophisticated as the beast. And I felt sorry for myself, too.
In fact, I felt so sorry that I went to the back room again, sat on the table, and just cry my heart out, again. I never wiped the tears away and I stayed sad and quiet for the rest of the day, making my coworkers worried sick as to why was I suddenly mute of expression save for melancholy.
I kept thinking “I knew it was my fault so I tried to make it all better but was I wrong in actually making any effort at all?” and then I thought about what a coworker told me, verbatim “May ibang babae na pinanganak na tanga. Minamahal mo na pero ayaw sa’yo. Nagpapaloko muna sa iba bago ka pansinin. Eh kung ganun na lang ba ay iwanan na yung PUTANG INANG yan.” Those words were like a small hint of light that pierced the darkness of my own thoughts. I was at a loss for words. Literally.
I felt sorry for myself and how fruitless everything has been. I have now concluded that maybe she really wasn’t the one after all. And how I was so dumb to allow this feeling to bypass BOTH my logic and my gut instincts. It was all a waste.
Come next week, I’ll still have hints of this love but I’m sure it’s gonna fade away. It’ll eventually turn to hate but it’s not so bad compared to my being an innocent dumbfuck. I also wanted to pour traces of milk on her desk so ants, roaches, and whatever pests can find their way through her stuff over the weekend but I didn’t. I don’t do it that way. I never really thought she could do something like that. I mean, you hate a person and all but you’re not supposed to do that in front of people. Not to mention the waste of food. I mean, millions of people are hungry everyday and she just spits something out simply because I GAVE IT? How immature and unprofessional. Not to mention inhumane too.
I used to have this song that reminds me of her
Now it’s this