The 9th Soul

Do not feel sorry for me.

Posted in life, Special posts by Fated Blue on September 29, 2012

Let me play the helpless victim for once guys. I’m usually strong and I always know how to work around emotional stress but I really don’t have anyone to tell this to. So I’m hoping you would cut me some slack here as I tell you a bit of my own loneliness.

I texted a friend of mine earlier today about how to cope with feelings of being under appreciated. I was…vulnerable perhaps due to

not enough sleep (4.5 hours) and the workout that almost put me BACK to sleep. Not to mention the multitude of things I thought about doing and just thinking of a few…unprofessional things didn’t exactly help either. I acted a bit emotional to say the least. I felt under appreciated not because of my boss (it’s a given) but from someone that once shared her life to me.

I’m sorry, I know it’s such a sin to society to feel that you should be appreciated for something good you did with all your heart but I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve been holding it all up inside me for the past two months now. It was driving me nuts so I “tried” to tell someone but thank God my sanity didn’t go out the window yet. I only went so far as ask a vague question or two.

You see, I’ve been really doing my best to give space, give nice things, and just be nice. And it’s 10x as hard because I know for myself that I didn’t really do anything wrong and it was just a misunderstanding albeit quite a grave one that it drove us apart.

I’m a hypocrite and I’m selfish. We’re all hypocrites anyway but not all are selfish. But I think I can be selfish sometimes. Sometimes I think I deserve to be selfish once in a while. I don’t always need things because sometimes I simply want them. And I simply want the old days back. I’ve since swallowed all the pride I have, telling her to stay safe if I see her working alone beyond office hours and texting her invitations to eat or to go out with a couple friends even though she doesn’t even do so much as press “O.K.”

It’s really been a lot more hell than I bargained for. I sometimes wonder if she’s really even remotely worth it anymore. I always, and I mean ALWAYS, end up telling myself that she’s a good person and that I should always be nice to her despite the cold shoulder she has since given me. And it didn’t really help when she didn’t greet me on my birthday even though the whole office was practically screaming their lungs out about it; despite the fact that I made her birthday a bit special. And tempting thoughts of considering her to be ungrateful kept poking at me and it would push my veins on the surface of my skin.

Oh dear…I think I’ve become a child again.

 

 

 

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