Doubt and perhaps regret, a little or maybe much more.
I’ve parted ways with someone since September of this year. No, it’s not as if we went to distant places beyond the reach of mobile technology (if a place still exists). In fact, we still see each other’s shadows, breath the same air, and hear the other’s footsteps on concrete floors five times a week. As with the distance I stated, the distance lies not between our bodies but between our hearts. For we could be as close to each other as the laws of physics would permit but our hearts will always remain to be seen together. Why oh why you ask? We simply both grew weary of the troublesome relationship we both found vexing. More or less I tried to remedy the situation by means of which are too lengthy to write and of which I’ve grown tired of telling.
There was a day when she wanted to talk about it. I read her text and I felt surprised, confused, and scared even. I didn’t know what to do. But then I started thinking on how much of a fool I’ve been, playing her games, making her feel special, being too nice to her, blaming myself for something I didn’t do in the first place and it dawned on me: I’ve grown tired of it.
I didn’t respond to that message nor did I display any hint that I received it. I’d calmly pass her by when we’d see each other, much like what we’ve grown used to since July. It all started with a facebook status that I posted. It was about how I felt sorry for someone because of something about her face which seemed to have manifested a disease that makes it a bit bloated. She then texted me, asking if she and I had a problem. Confused, I said no and asked why she asks. After a barrage of texts which reflected how she felt the person was her and I meant to insult her, after my own messages telling her that it wasn’t her and it would be not like me to say such a thing to her in the first place, she simply decided to hate me despite my lengthy but clear explanations to her.
After some time, she decided to block me from her facebook. I cringed at the fact that she did all that because of something so trivial and, again, not my fault to begin with. It made me so upset I wished I’d have done it first. It wasn’t until much time when I realized I haven’t added her on facebook so it made me wonder as to who it was that told her my message was for her. I’ve come to know who the person was but I never bothered to have a confrontation. It was a waste of time and it would never bring my friend back to me. Despite this, however, I still thought about her as if she was a part of me, like she was always my friend, and how I felt I could fix something I didn’t break in the first place. So last August, on her birthday, I prepared something special for her. It’s not like I expected anything in return but deep inside I really thought that somehow, some way, she would warm up and maybe come back to me and we’d be like the friends we were before. But sadly, it fixed nothing.
And I don’t know how but she seemed to have grown much more distant over time. It also made me disappointed and sad that I didn’t even have her greet me on my own birthday. I know it seemed conceited but on that day I only wanted two things and one of them was for us to be okay. I was emotionally hurt to say the least. I thought that maybe if she’d greet me it would somehow kept my hopes up that I can still make me her friend again just like old times. You must be wondering why I seem to be upset over losing a single person. You could say that my friends are not scarce and plenty more are willing to be my personal crying shoulder if I need it so bad. Well you see, I was her first friend in the company we’re both working for. I can tell you all about the funny times we had, the things we shared, the days I always helped her, days I always made her laugh but it would be badly misplaced in this blog. I don’t feel light in the mood to tell of stories long gone. All I could say is that those times were very beautiful and very memorable. Maybe not for her but for me they are.
The reason I’m brooding over this now was because last night me and a couple of friends had our little Halloween karaoke party and she was there. I didn’t expect her to be there. Had I known, I still would’ve gone with them. But it made me wonder if she knew I had it set up since Monday of this week. Would she have come if she did? In any case, we first had dinner in an Italian restaurant. It just so happened that I sat directly across from her. And I gave up on her so I ignored her during dinner. I made a few jokes and she would laugh and remark but they would only pass from one ear and exit to the other. I made sure I’d never have my face straight, always staring at something to the left or the right even if there was really nothing to stare at.
Then came the karaoke. As usual, I wanted a little bit of alcohol in my system though I’m allergic. We got a few drinks and we all sang something. What I didn’t expect to happen was for her and I to actually talk, to have a conversation, and we were sitting right next to each other. I never thought we’d have fun like that again. Did the alcohol help? Maybe. The mood and the ambiance? Perhaps. But one thing was sure, I felt like I wanted to just hug her right there and then. Or maybe have her lean on my shoulder or vice versa while we both sang some song we both liked. But I couldn’t. I kept telling myself how she hurt me and how she deserves to feel the same thing so she won’t have it done to anyone else, so she’ll learn that it’s not so nice to feel pushed away when all you wanted was to be friends again.
Up to this point in time, I feel doubt and a little regret. Or maybe much more than a little; maybe a lot.