The 9th Soul

Those Three Words (May 2009)

Posted in life by Fated Blue on November 25, 2012

Originally found in my multiply but can also be found in my blogger which I recently made so I can salvage my blogs and whatnot from said multiply. It’s been years since I last read this “story” and I’ve noticed several errors which I’ve overlooked. I clearly remember imagining the story in my head while riding a jeepney from school. When I started typing, I typed on impulse and not even so much as an attempt at proofreading did I do when my fingers twitched; enough for them to convince me to publish the thing already. Hence, this poorly written excuse for a story will be republished UNEDITED.

Fun(?) Fact: This was also inspired by the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

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(I would just like to say something in behalf of all those who are missing a person in their lives. This is for the one person you really loved, but never saw you at all.)

You were crying when I saw you, you needed someone to take the pain away from you. Then I walked up to you and we cherished each other. You told me all the sad things you experienced, and I felt the sadness with you. Then you suddenly smiled and said “But its okay now…” that was probably the loveliest smile I’ve seen you do ever since I’ve known you. Then you told me all your hopes and dreams, your happy moments. I shared mine and we both laughed at each other’s stories like there was nothing wrong with the world.We were both lost, with nowhere to go home, no one to call for help. We were just strangers who found and comforted each other at the lowest point in our lives. We made each other feel needed, feel loved and cared for. Those were the times where we just looked at each other eyes and smiled.Then I felt the time was right for me to confess to you. After such moments of bliss, I finally grew to have feelings for you. My feelings for you were never intentional, love…was never intentional. Just sitting here with you, hearing your stories, watching you cry and lament, seeing you smile after all that…I…I couldn’t help but ask if this was still a feeling of friendship or of love…

After a long time of finding the right time to say those three words, those three simple words, that was when you left me. Rather, that was when I felt alone with you…

As I was looking at your bright eyes, as I was about to pour my gut out to be so brave for the first time, you were looking at me the same way, our lips both trembling with anticipation, anything can happen…someone just has to make the right move first, and I felt it was my move, my turn to stand up and be the right one for you, to be the one that makes you laugh, that wipes your tears away, that fights your fears and shelters you from all the loneliness we mortals experience everyday. All my hopes and dreams, I now have them all for you. Everything I lived, live, and will live for, from now on, is for you. I waited all my life for my existence to have its own unique meaning, and there you were, just sitting there, in that dark corner…crying. Wishing someone would just take you away from all of this emptiness, to save you from the darkness that was filling your empty heart.

“This is it…” I muttered to myself. The moment I’ve been waiting for, rather, this moment was waiting for me all my life and I just stalled. I can finally put an end to my meaningless life and start anew, with you by my side.

I clenched your hand, you were surprised, I felt your hand tremble as to what was going on…and what was gonna happen next. Then I got closer to you…there’s no turning back now. “I…I…I love y-” you removed your hand from mine and stood up with a rushing wind that came after. “What’s wrong…?” I asked. She turned to me, eyes wet with tears, flowing down her smooth cheeks all the wat to her chin. “I…I’m…sorry…” those two words echoed infinitely in my ears. “I’m sorry! I have someone…someone who…who came before you!” I wanted to say something, to stop her from furthering what she’s saying…but my lips were frozen, as my mind was at the shock of what was going on around me. “You were late…too late!” and she ran away, far from me. Leaving me alone here, with what she said still ringing…ringing in my ears and continuously sending shattering forces into my already fragile and battered heart.

I felt as if the walls suddenly closed down on me all at once. Was I wrong in all of this? did I not see it coming? Was I playing blind? Maybe I knew it all along, that this won’t work. That what I was dreaming of happening would never happen at all. I guess I did, its just that the feelings I felt for her was like the sun. I was blinded by its beauty and shining glory. I wanted to get so close, my mind said no but my heart said yes. I…I guess…I guess I flew too close to the sun and ended up burned. And the pain I felt was unlike any other, a pain which sent me falling down again, to fall from grace once more.

And I was here, all alone, in this empty dark room, waiting for someone to come get me out of this mess I got myself into. Oh but why is it…when you left, I felt something missing in me, that large void was made into my heart…and into my soul. I feel as if I will never be complete again. That there will always be something that’s not right with the world, in a world without you.

How I wish I was able to say those three words I wanted you to hear from me.

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