Perhaps I shouldn’t have
We all have our own share of “dids” and “shouldn’t-haves”. They must’ve been or could be the very pinnacle of one’s loss of common sense and/or the worst trade-in for the grey matter inside your cranium. It would always be that topic you’d hear yourself talk about to someone dear, someone you’ve just met, or even the person staring at you when you face the mirror. But they all have this one thing in common and it’s the fact that it once proved how much love has someone eluded your brain’s defense systems and managed to hack into your locomotive response to stimuli and to actually cause stimuli. And your world went into a euphoric state, not thinking much about the consequences nor of the cautions given to you from previous advice.
When in love you simply do. You simply look at the present and treat it as a problem for you to solve even if there was no problem in the first place. You end up brooding over things you really ought to put into the “you really shouldn’t be brooding over this” category and not move on with the rest of your cursed, workaholic, hedonistic lifestyle. You forget the follies of the past and actually put the fate of the future in a game of toss-coin. The present is all that matters and you believe the good will always come out if the good is what got you into that point in time.
Let me tell you, however, that the state of euphoria you have is really just for you. Doing things that make you feel good isn’t always making others feel good for you or for themselves for that matter. It’s a state of grace, really, and we’re not just a state when it comes down to you waking up to reality. I mean, reality already bites as it is, right? But you end up thinking that if you do this one super awesome thing everything would turn out for the better. It’s optimistic and I think the world needs more optimism but you can’t really always rely on what you assume will happen. Failure or not, it won’t end there. It’ll be this one small ripple which will become a wave if you’re not watchful or observant of the people around you.
Regrets bite the most, and hurt twice as much, after a length of time passes. It could be merely days when it gets you good and you think it was the worst of it but then the memory somehow makes it out of the very caverns of the deepest bricked and locked well in the cesspool of humiliation inside your brain out of some spur of the moment or for some momentary, random memory juggle of your head. And it would hurt like hell. You bet it will. You can laugh about it but it’ll always make you ask the dreaded “WHAT IF?” sentences you will never know the answer too.
Love makes us all feel guilty of our flaws yet at the same time, it makes us want to flaunt them in a bizarre spectacle of unique stupidity that only love can explain. It’s a dumb definition and a pathetic attempt of an explanation but it’s all I got right now. It makes you forget the past, hope for the best future, and bet it all on the present. Because in love, the present trumps all timelines. Since it is at the present where the one you love, the one that makes you cry and smile, the one that makes you face and reveal your fears, the one person that makes you do the craziest yet creative things in poetry or art class, exists and is alive. And it is in the present time that you know it for yourself that somehow, in some divine, unselfish way, they are more important than your own presence in this universe and their importance cannot be, and will not be, overrun by the senseless shames of the past and the would be agonies of the future.
All this because you chose to love them the way you do.