To my dearest
This is going to ruin your day. I don’t know the exact day that you’ll read this letter but you better be prepared to have a bad day. This letter is for that version of you which I liked, the version of you that I wanted to be with, and the version of you that I grew fond of. With that said, I urge you to skip this if you’re not even remotely prepared for such a verbal encounter. You’ve been warned.
I don’t even know where to start. But I’m just pissed off right now. I couldn’t get enough sleep because I kept thinking back to that day you openly discussed with me your concern towards the way I hate you. I replay that moment over and over again, thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t have held back, that I should have told you the contents of this letter right then and there. I was only worried of what would happen next but I apparently can’t help but still brood on it so here I am, writing this goddamn letter to you so I could get a good night’s rest.
I’m pissed off because you’re making it very hard for me to restore the way this department was before things happened. I’ve just about abandoned all hopes of removing the concept of “choosing sides”. But still, I’ve strained to keep the two sides balanced but apparently your lack of effort in correcting the wrong you made has now become too taxing for me to have this hidden from you any longer. To make things better for all of us, I strived to do what I could with the opportunities that came and the influential capability I’ve earned just to keep you on the safe side.
I’m here to tell you what I probably would regret in the end but what’s happening is just too much. I’m not supposed to care but I do because I know what it feels like to be alienated. I know what it’s like to do something you thought was right but wasn’t at all. And I know what it’s like to realize that the thing that I thought was right was only right for me or for a select few. I know the fear that someone is secretly whispering about you, that they’re silently making fun of you and yet they smile at you all the same. I don’t want you to go through such hell even if you do deserve it. It’s not mercy or pity but a sick form of compassion. I’m going to tell you the truth. Not all of it but the ones you need to know.
It all started last year, July 2012. A certain someone told me something out of the sheer need of just telling someone who would listen. This girl couldn’t take being friends with you anymore due to your lack of moral character. That and the fact that she doesn’t want to be involved with you any longer, knowing full well of your sexual preference. She simply doesn’t want to be asked if she was involved in some bizarre love triangle or not. This irked me to an extent that this made me curious as to the validity of the statement this former friend of yours made.
It all started with that. I had no physical or emotional interest in someone so downright nonsensical until that moment happened. It was just a little thing out of curiosity at first, to be honest. I have this thing about knowing everything about certain things or people. It’s like a drug to me in all truth. So it goes without saying that I knew certain things about you that precede the events of 2013, things I kept inside since I really had no benefit in sharing any of them at the moment. I simply pieced the puzzles together. What reaches me is second hand information. This means your true friends have been telling my friends and my friends want me to listen to their woes because real friends listen to each other. I’ve only verified it. And I don’t have to lie to you; it’s a wasted effort on my part. And after that was all done, I simply lost interest in you.
Then rumours started going around. People were whispering in the dark. Our friends were coding your name and your little friend’s name for the sake of an open conversation. Some were even making fun of you on things like who’s the muscle between you two? Who’s the butch? The femme? It irked me to no end. I guess I still had a bit of concern for you back then. Knowing you’ll hate me anyway, I posted a little something on Facebook in the hopes that it would reach you. Lo and behold, it did and I’m glad it did. I’m apparently the only one here with the guts to do something like that.
Little by little, I made sure the rumours around here would reach you through people I made sure would tell you without them knowing I wanted them to tell you. Do you follow? I did not spread them just to spread them.
In that way, the only one you’ll really hate is me while you’ll have insight on how much the people around this whole fucking building know. I counted that you’ll be a bit more discreet with your otherwise complicated relationship but I guess even my brain fails me at times.
You became worse. You became much more open with your sadomasochism and people began getting scared of the pair that bruises each other in the dark, of the pair that would be seen flirting with each other within the confines of the laboratory walls, of the pair that would be seen crying inside a little car parked under a tree thinking no one would notice them or be familiar with the plate number of the vehicle they were currently tearing each other apart in.
But it wasn’t all just to let you know. No way in hell. I tried to keep the two sides balanced because it was you against practically the whole of technology. I’m here trying to clean up the mess you made and yet there is still no apparent effort coming from your side. It just annoys me. The way they tell the secrets against you is just too annoying for me to handle. I’m not saying everyone’s in on the rumour milling but everyone knows everything by now and that couldn’t be helped. Specially how your little friend went on a little emotional rampage which, I have to admit, I found amusing. I expected such a thing to happen but not too soon.
And again, I’m driven nuts of how to tame the crowd in laughing and conspiring behind your back. It drives me crazy that the friends you know, the “true” friends you consider, would even have the propensity to make fun of the two of you when you’re out of earshot.
Yet again, it simply wasn’t just to keep the two sides balanced anymore. I needed an actual conversation with you but to do that, I had to make it come from you. No way will I give an ounce of effort of asking you to talk to me. So what I did was I talked once again to a few friends that we both know in the hopes of reaching out to you. I had to share your little medical secrets so you would be alarmed at the amount of things I actually do know. I even had to virtually use one of my most precious friends to tell you all I told her alone. And it hurt me to tell her this after. Then it was only time before you wanted a confrontation.
By the way, I appreciate that effort of yours. I really do. I had the choice to say no but I didn’t. Because I’ve been wanting to tell you all sorts of things and how we can fix it together or at least how you can do it if you don’t want me helping you. And I wouldn’t have said yes if I didn’t think something good would come out of talking to you. If anything, you are reading end result of that conversation we had.
So here we are, the present time. There are still two sides and you’re still the ones losing. But it doesn’t have to be this way. I’m not supposed to be obliged to do this but I can help you. I have a plethora of reasons why I shouldn’t but I’m simply just too sick of my own friends becoming monsters because of the things they call you when we’re alone. So I thought to myself, fuck that I’m going to end this way or die trying.
You used the people around you for your personal gains. And even if you didn’t mean it, it surely came out that way and that’s the price you pay for not using that little bundle of fat inside your head.
As much as you have some form of pride, I need you to discard that. You see, you have to accept the fact that all this is happening, the enmity, the anger, the threats, the tears that were shed, is because of you. I’m not talking about your relationship or your so-called “love”. It’s really just you. How did I deduce this? Well, everything was pretty swell before you marched in here and put everyone’s sense of security on alert. Your little friend was already an annoying cry baby before but you made her violent. And to be quite frank, I’m not even sure if she’ll live through your little fling seeing the number of cuts on her wrists isn’t going down. But I still want to save her from herself and the only way for me to accomplish that is through you. I mean, can you really stomach the fact that she’s hurting herself for you? Do you really enjoy it so much that you’re not doing anything to stop it? I thought you loved her? Or did I misinterpret you? I mean, I’m not even sure if she was raised right but you still have to consider the possibilities that she may actually kill herself or someone else for you. Then again, I remember she’s really just doing this to get attention. Attention from whom? Attention from you of course. And the way you want her attention is also a bit disturbing.
Like for example, the way you always go up to James even when he’s already on the other side of the fucking room. I know you know why Jute put him there as well as why everyone else prefers to stay on the other side as much as possible. But in case your brain fails to understand why, it’s all because they don’t feel comfortable around you anymore. How soon again could your friend snap in rage if you’re always around the ones you know you were told to avoid. You have to tame your little monster and if you can’t find a leash for her, well someone will and you both won’t like it.
And talking about pride, you made enemies with people who’ve been around the company far more than you and I would ever be. And they have pride too. And they have the right of it. It wasn’t their fault you beat each other up in another country in front of their friends. It wasn’t their fault you locked someone out of their own room. It wasn’t their fault they completely had a change of heart of being friends with you right after that trip. You were and still are disrespectful. You should be ashamed of yourselves and yet you’re not. And that is much more shameful and pitiful if I may add.
You said your past does not define you. Why would you say that? Is it because your past was so awful you want to forget about it? Are you so scared of looking back that you might remember something you wish never happened to you? Well just to let you know, your past made you who you fucking are today. And if your past is something you know is wrong and shameful then please tell me: what does that make you?
You also threatened me that we have laws and shit well let me tell you something: Everything I posted on that damn website has no names or any such that can lead to you. So you see, I left it to those who read them on how to properly interpret it. When people here ask me, I always say it was a random quote I saw or heard somewhere. So you have nothing against me. But those that do know I trust would tell you like I mentioned earlier. So with regards to filing a lawsuit against me, you’ll just waste your time and might as well pay me the money and save us the energy of going into court. Because if you chose to do so, well let’s just say I have more than enough people to back me up and no one here in Technology will risk their asses by standing up for you.
In the end, they’ll be on my side and not yours. Surely with what little sense you have you can still realize this. And I can ruin your names if I wanted. I have multiple websites and I can just as easily type in your full name and every company, every friend, and virtually everyone will know you the way I do just by typing your name. The internet is pretty powerful and you can terrorize anyone without being traced. But I won’t do that, don’t worry. It won’t have to come to that point. I’m not the type to lower myself on that level of mediocrity. They don’t have to know the things that I know, now do they?
But that’s beside the point. My point is that this little issue with you will not disappear. You have to decide on how long you wish to have this kind of office relationship you may very well work with for the rest of your life. Don’t you miss the company of such friends? How long before you realize that you should’ve done what I said and that it’s already too late. The way I see it, you already lost. But since I don’t choose sides, I see you have two choices.
You can say you’re sorry, admit to whatever fucked up shit you did to them and by them I mean everyone you’ve aggravated in Technology specially the guys in Bakery and Snacks; accept responsibility like an adult, like a fucking professional, and lose with dignity. And you can earn the right to sleep better knowing you did the right thing. Or you can just ignore this and just fucking be a loser. You lose either way but with the former, you can actually start to rebuild a relationship. With the former, you can end the issue and the problems around you will disappear one by one. It will be a new start for you and people will start smiling at you again for real. And the number of awful things I’ll hear about you will diminish. So you see, even I win with this one.
It shouldn’t be that hard. They won’t forget but they’ll understand you better. All they need to hear from you is your sincerest of apologies. They’re mostly women and they’re all older than you so it shouldn’t be out of their league to accept you back as a friend they can at least hang out with. They may not trust you as much but you’ll have them when you need them and that’s better than nothing. I’m not sure how you’ll convince your little friend but if she truly loves you the way you told me she does, it shouldn’t be that hard on her too. But cutting wrists sounds easier now doesn’t it? But you’re fond of confrontations so it should come naturally to you. I’ll even help you get close to them if you want.
You’re still part of the plan. I’m apparently the only one here who still gives a damn about you. I’m virtually the least person that should help you through this. I’ll risk my career and my friendship with certain people but I really can’t find it in me to ignore your situation any longer. Your friends may not be the ones you expect them to be in the end. But that’s just me. I’m not one to say who fakes a smile. I’m just saying some people would rather tell you what you want to hear. It’s like what they say: Better an enemy that tells you the painful truth than a friend that gives you the convenient lie.
Only you can decide when and how this ends for you. Quite frankly, we can all live with this since we’re all just happy with what we have. Well, in your case, what you have left. But knowing you could have more and you only have to swallow that pride for a moment, why not? And really, how much use has your pride been to you lately? Will you be happy with just your pride?
I’m doing my best to make it easier for you and my friends have started noticing how I’ve gone soft and I hate it because I truly despise you. But think about it at least. You have no idea how easy it would be for me to go to their side and diss you like you’re nothing. I mean, so what if you hate me? So what if two people out a hundred doesn’t like me? I don’t waste time with your kind but you’re an exception. Because you can still do something about it and I still have this gut feeling that the one I liked back when you were just starting out is still inside you and it’s screaming at you to end this. And at one moment in time, I actually did appreciate you as a person, as someone who is beautiful. But you are a far cry from that right now. But still, I believe this is redeemable. I’m not supposed to hope but I’m hoping anyway. As a perk, once you do say you’re sorry the only one who’ll openly hate you will be me and me alone. And I’m sure we can both be civilized. I mean, don’t you miss the days when the only one you had to hate was me? I miss the days when I didn’t have to worry about you too.
Dearest, I expect you to make the right decisions this time but I also expect you to fail at it. I’m partial when it comes to you. It’s like flipping a stupid coin. Don’t force me to think of a plan to fix this that excludes you. And even if I don’t do anything, they’ve already thought about this in advance and whatever it is, not even the people behind the MT program will save you if it comes down to it.
What do I mean by this? Just look at how they simply threw you away like trash right after they got what they wanted from your batch. It’s sickening. I wonder how many promises they’ve broken. How disappointed are you or your co-MTs on how the management just abandoned you? That’s what I mean. I’m not sure yet, and don’t you dare brings this up to anyone, but there’s a chance that you’re teaching your own replacement.
I’m hell-bent on another idea which is bigger than this and I used your situation as a form of distraction at first but I’ve grown tired of the noise about you. So let’s end this while we’re both still in control.
And oh, this isn’t a threat. But it will be if something bad happens again. And with that I’m not sure if my grip on the higher ups will be firm enough to prevent their hands from “controlling” your career growth. And it can get much worse than that. Much, much worse.
Again, this will all depend on you. I hope that by now you see the big picture and how this is all affecting everyone. So if you still think I shouldn’t be involved in this then control the situation. If I ever hear something like that rage thing happen again, I’ll write you off this story. And if you think I shouldn’t help you then fine by me. I’ll see you destroy your careers here knowing you told me not to help you in anyway. At least I showed concern.
“When you choose to stay true to YOU, some people might refuse to accept you for who you are. Forget them. Rather than being fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not, choose to stand strong, even at the risk of incurring ridicule. When you are comfortable in your skin, not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s perfectly OK. You could be the ripest, juiciest apple in the world, and there’s going to be at least a few people out there who hate apples.”
Don’t text me when I’m around to listen.
You want to talk, approach me like the last time.
Or reach me on Facebook. Oh wait, you can’t.
And it’s better that way.