And She’s Gone.
How much more will I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pain will I have to suffer, to meet you once again?
If a miracle were to happen, I would want to show you immediately
A new morning, who I’ll be from now on
And the words I never said called: “I Love You.”
If our lives could be restarted,
No matter how many times it will be I will go back to you
What I would wanted then would then be nothing
Nothing but just you.
I walked home today. It was a surprise activity even for myself. I found out how it would take me around 1.5 hours to get home from work using the shortest route. I also found out how I would end up talking to myself on how much stupid my life has become.
Today, the only reason for my not quitting work has left the office for good. I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. Hell, I couldn’t even do so much as talk to her. It’s been almost 2 years since we last spoke to one another and I’ve been trying so damn hard to look at other women but I couldn’t. The silence between us always bothered me and it would frustrate me to a point where I’d need to distract myself by talking or making jokes and doing crazy things. Now she’s finally had it with the company and as much as I want to admit that I could live normally without her, I can’t.
I simply can’t. It’s just not that easy.
When you fall in love with someone at work, you would do what it takes to hang on to your life’s worth at some job that hates people, turn down job offers that would pay you twice, just so you can see them be happy and hear the way they laugh and just live. But then they go away. What does that make out of your life? Wouldn’t you somehow wish that maybe you “got out” first so you wouldn’t have to be the one who got left behind? When the one thing you fought hard to hold on to suddenly escapes you, what does that make you as a person? Doesn’t that make you feel worthless? Incompetent? Stupid?
I do. I definitely do. Right now I’m even frustrated. It’s all complex and whirling inside my head and not even the fatigue from walking almost 7 km home coming from a hard day at the office is enough to put me to sleep early tonight. No. None of that works for me right now. When I found out at lunch break that she’ll be quitting, I almost felt my heart stop and my jaw drop. It was all I could think of until 6:30 PM and I can’t stop thinking about it now. I’m not drunk yet I feel like I am. I wish I can get sober and when the hangover leaves me so will this nightmare of her not being there anymore.
It’s not like I had a say in the first place but how do I know if it’s my time to do something? We were about to do a send-off activity for one of my favorite managers and I couldn’t help but left the room when I realized her group was also doing their own send-off party. It was ridiculously painful. I couldn’t bear it. I stepped out of the building and just walked around the compound until I was happy and tired. I only got tired.
When I came back later this afternoon, her car was gone. XHJ 172’s wheels will never step foot in that compound again. She left early just when I actually wanted to tell her something before she left me for good. I couldn’t help but think that everyone conspired not to tell me so I wouldn’t do some crazy shit and I wouldn’t have done some crazy shit but maybe something normal or boring but at least I would’ve been prepared.
What’s crazy was that I thought things would be different the second time around. I lost a girl in college because I thought I was just simply repulsive. I changed my body, boosted my brain, and even learned how to make money work for me. I joined running competitions, sports, and I’ve been thinking of learning a new language or two. What happened was I grew my muscle, my brain, my money, and let my heart remain small; shrink even. I was so sure I can change things this time but everything was the same. I got my heart broken again and I’ll never see this girl forever. But damn it I was so sure I can make it work this time.
I know she saw the evil lurking within me which is one of the reasons why I actually like her in the first place. She’s a lot smarter than me and she knows how to live life without being a prick to people. She’s real and she’s good at being real. Her best asset, though, is that she can see through people’s masks. You can’t fool her with a fake smile or fake tears (or a fake nose). She’s every inch my dream come true. Then I woke up from that dream and I struggle to remember the bits and pieces that were left for me to remember until time ultimately would vanquish those memories to oblivion.
But time won’t let me forget her. Not this one. I finally knew what love really is thanks to her so no, I don’t want to forget. I can’t forget about this. I even began thinking of what it would be like to work with her. I always imagined how we could’ve been the best pair this company has ever seen. I would then be able to fix things while we work together and I would be in paradise. I would imagine our constant arguments with one another yet we would be okay with everything in the end and I would want nothing more. I had this chance last year, October I think, since we were in the same group. We were like a natural pair and I was enjoying it and I wished it never ended. Sadly, dreams often end and wishes don’t often get granted.
On the way home, I found myself scolding myself for being an idiot. How foolish was I to think that I can out-plan the universe? Nothing worked. Everything I struggled to lay out just got washed away by the tide. I feel so insignificant. I cried at my own insignificance and at my own futility. I’ve realized how weak I really was. I often thought about the things that would happen if this day ever did arrive and now that it did, it left me wondering, looking for an answer as to why is it that anyone I tried to get to love me back simply goes away either by fate or decision. I know something’s up with me and I get that. I really do and I’ve been improving things one step at a time. So I can’t understand as to why can’t life just give me a good shot at this? For once I’d like to know what it would feel like to have the love I give be returned to me. Just once and that will be good enough and I’ll be happy.
I had this blog written in my head on the way home but I can’t remember it all. I’m tired. I’m beat. I’m defeated. I lost.
I lost everything I hoped to gain. I couldn’t do it after all. I lacked the courage. I didn’t have what he has and I was insecure about it. I know he’s better than me over all but I simply thought that maybe fate would help me out a bit. But it didn’t. And all that is left of me are the memories I have and the memories I wish I have. Right now, as with the passage of time, I pray that I never forget her face, her laughter, and the smile she never showed me. The only thing left for me now is to be happy and I am, I really am it’s just that I’m in pain right now and smiling is hard. I’m glad that she found a company she thinks will be better, I’m glad she was able to get out of the maze, I’m glad that she was able to choose, that she was able to make a decision for herself despite the many things she would miss at her old office.
I know most people have it much harder than me but I feel like I’m the loneliest guy on Earth right now. Let me just have this one moment to be weak and to want help and care. Just allow me to be afraid, to want security, and to have some sort of assurance that everything will be alright in the end. I don’t want to be strong for a while.
Oh God knows I still remember her first day, April 1 2011, the way she dressed and the way she was introduced. I talked to her immediately because my gut knew she was something else and she really is. Her birthday is February 19 1988 and her last day at our company is today, February 28 2014. She broke me so much I blogged about them either here or on Facebook. I even got my world destroyed last December 21 2012 when I saw her with him but I silently kept a small candle of love for her all this time. I remember every single moment with her that it’s unfortunate to say that most of them aren’t worth sharing due to their sadness. But I loved her anyway because I thought, and still think, that’s how love works.
I wanted to say a lot of things to her. I secretly made a blog last October 2012, which is hidden, about all the things I wanted her to know and all the explanations that she needed to know as to why some things happened and why I did some things. Sadly, she’ll never know them. She’ll also never know about this diary I kept with me since January 2012 with logs on pretty much stuff when I thought about her or my initial thoughts on what transpired with my interactions with her. I’ve kept it with me and sometimes I’d laugh at the things I wrote and sometimes I’d tear-up because a repressed memory would suddenly be remembered. I just wish that she knows I love her. And that right now I wish that he loves her as much as I love her.
I somehow foreshadowed a farewell with her. I wrote the following last December 12 2013:
Note title: Farewell to thee
Goodbye, ______. You have been the most beautiful thing these eyes have ever seen; the most wonderful memory this mind will ever recall; the most exciting experience this life will ever have.
And today, at 1700 as I found out she left the office early, I wrote this:
Friday, good enough weather
______’s last day. I just found out about it. It sucks. I feel as if nothing is or was worth it. I was supposed to go first. Nothing I ever planned worked my way. Nothing. I feel stupid but perhaps I wasn’t the genius that I ought to be.
She’s gone now and I won’t see her again. I’ll hear about her but that would be the end of it. She’ll get married and I wouldn’t even know about it.
I can’t believe I didn’t feel anything. I thought I loved her enough but apparently, not really.
As much as I wanted her to know a lot of things, if given the chance to speak with her for the last time, I would probably say:
You probably know all the things I would say. Let’s skip that. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for simply being you. Thank you for making life here interesting. But really, just thank you for everything.
But it won’t happen. Not anymore, it won’t.
And she’s gone.