The 9th Soul

To the woman who stole my heart one night in Siargao

Posted in life, Special posts by Fated Blue on April 23, 2018

For five years I kept telling myself I’ll go through life alone. Ever since another woman left me in pieces, I swore not to feel that kind of pain again.

And for five years it worked. I became successful, I was able to go to places I once dreamed of, I am now able to afford things I used to only wish for.

Then I met you.

After five years, I suddenly became interested in another person. Once again, I find myself reevaluating my life goals, and suddenly my bucket lists involved two people fulfilling them together.

You made me realize how lonely I was and how all my dreams were too shallow and safe. You made me feel things I never thought I’d feel again for another person. I panicked, became cautious, and I was anxious and excited at the prospect of being with you even more in the future. I can’t remember the last time I got this excited over meeting someone.

And after five years, a time that seemed longer than it should be, I now begin to ask myself questions I never thought I’d ask again. Questions like “Can I make it with her? Does she like me? Did I seem aggressive or intimidating? Did I talk too much? Was I boring?” pop up left and right ever since we parted that Tuesday night.

The emotions I felt, and still feel, back then were equal parts frightening and exciting.

I now doubt the future I openly wanted; the future that is all about me – being single all the way, going on adventures and expensive experiences until I die. I doubt it now because when I saw you, I didn’t just see “You,” but something deeper. I saw another future that wasn’t just about me, a future that involved being with someone for a long time. You showed me a future that was way, way better than whatever I could have ever wished for.

And that’s why I’m here. I wanted to see you, yes, but I also wanted to know if these feelings were real or if they were just another high that will send me crashing shortly.

I fear getting hurt, but I fear loneliness more and right now I’m prepared to risk the pain to see if I can find meaning in my life again. I want to see if we can both make it in this harsh world.

Where we spent time watching the sun go down

But, I know it’s impossible.

I’m not a good person. I have demons constantly telling me to hurt and hate. I’m also incapable or not as skilled when it comes to a lot of things adults should be able to handle at my age. The only thing I’m good at is making money and burning it for all to see.

You, you work in a place where men are strong and gentle, a place where you are protected by people capable of real life combat. You are surrounded by mature adults who already know what life is all about, or at least get the general idea of how to live it to the fullest.

My brain tells me it won’t work out, but my heart, for the first time in a long time, is rebelling against it and it’s telling me to at least try. It’s telling me that this is a once in a lifetime thing and that I shouldn’t be afraid anymore.

My heart is reminding me that I got hurt a lot before and nothing will hurt me as much anymore, so I have nothing to lose. I doubt my heart knows what it’s talking about, but I also haven’t listened to it nor hear it speak so loudly and with such intensity in a long time, so maybe I should consider.

Siargao has a lot to offer to someone looking for pretty and amazing things, but I’m telling you you were the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in that big island. I don’t have a picture of you, but I know what I felt when we were together and somehow it makes me remember what you looked like that night.

I remember how we watched the cloudy sunset together at Cloud 9 just before we celebrated your 26th birthday at Kermit. I remember how we both talked about the best and worst things and the muddy relationships and weird people in between.

I remember how I just wanted time to stop because you would leave me in the morning. I remember how I woke up so sad and demotivated that I wanted to go home because you weren’t there with me anymore.

I remember how with just a few stories and lots of laughter, you stole my heart that night in Siargao. I expected to find paradise in a remote island away from the problems of the real world, but instead found a shot at true happiness.

Dear Lyka, will you give me a chance?

 

Tagged with: , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: