The 9th Soul

I’m terribly terrible at becoming a terrible person terribly

Posted in life, Special posts by Fated Blue on March 29, 2014

As much as I don’t want to lose you, I’m afraid I can’t live my life miserably because of a failure that wouldn’t become a success no matter how much I wanted it, and perhaps still want it, to become one.

Don’t get me wrong. I find it troubling that I find myself wanting to get over you.

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Missing

Posted in life, Special posts by Fated Blue on March 14, 2014

It’s been two weeks since you left. Two solid weeks without you disturbing the air that surrounds me when you pass by, without you giving me that cold stare we’re both so capable and fond of, without you making everything else awkward for the both of us.

Without you, without you, without you.

I’ve always wondered since you left. About how you were on your first day, how your day was afterwards, and if you miss us or not. I even wonder, in some far-fetched manner, if you miss me too; if you even think about me.

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And She’s Gone.

Posted in life, Special posts by Fated Blue on March 1, 2014

How much more will I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pain will I have to suffer, to meet you once again?

If a miracle were to happen, I would want to show you immediately
A new morning, who I’ll be from now on
And the words I never said called: “I Love You.”

If our lives could be restarted,
No matter how many times it will be I will go back to you
What I would wanted then would then be nothing
Nothing but just you.

I walked home today. It was a surprise activity even for myself. I found out how it would take me around 1.5 hours to get home from work using the shortest route. I also found out how I would end up talking to myself on how much stupid my life has become.

Today, the only reason for my not quitting work has left the office for good. I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. Hell, I couldn’t even do so much as talk to her. It’s been almost 2 years since we last spoke to one another and I’ve been trying so damn hard to look at other women but I couldn’t. The silence between us always bothered me and it would frustrate me to a point where I’d need to distract myself by talking or making jokes and doing crazy things. Now she’s finally had it with the company and as much as I want to admit that I could live normally without her, I can’t.

I simply can’t. It’s just not that easy.

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My Life’s Mona Lisa

Posted in life, Special posts by Fated Blue on August 21, 2013

Click to enlarge

I’ve been remembering some of my dreams recently. And the two posted below are too near to not post. I’ve had similar dreams of this girl or that girl before but not in this kind of frequency. I felt them as worth noting.

I’m a person that believes in interpreting dreams. Although not all dreams should be interpreted but there are those kind of dreams that seem to send a message. Perhaps a message that we already know yet refuse to entertain due to the many conscious efforts and distractions we do and have every day. I believe that in dreams, our true self is alive and awake. I believe that in dreams, our deepest wants and desires as well as the answers and reasons we all need are shown to us by our subconscious.

And I’m the type of person who would romanticize anything I can romanticize.

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Merry Christmas To My Bane

Posted in life, Special posts by Fated Blue on December 17, 2012

I couldn’t sleep at all. It’s half past three in the morning and I’m thinking of things I want to say to you for Christmas’ sake.

The unusual hour, the early morning cold, a warm blanket draped over me, I thought about how warm has become cold without even a hint of change. The darkness that probed even the tiniest crevices of my room wouldn’t leave until the sun would reveal itself once again as if it was its duty to serve our needs for light and heat. The pitch black seemed to make everything stretch to infinity, a starless universe deprived of even the tiniest spark of light and hope.

Light and hope. It suddenly crossed my mind like lightning would touch a tree. I used to look at something that reminded me that someone up there stood wide awake always watching, guarding me in the deepest and darkest of nights. I was a mere child, not more than 7, when my mother gave it to me. It was a gift of sorts and I liked it not because of the contract that bound me to my religion but simply because it glowed in the dark. Well technically it absorbed light but it’s sweeter to think it did glow by itself.

It was a plain luminescent rosary but I always thought of it as God’s little barrier against the evils that I couldn’t see or hear when I’m asleep. I’d cup my palms over it and peek inside just to see how beautiful it illuminated itself and made the blackness seemed alright. I used to bring it with me every night and hang it somewhere I can easily see while I lie in bed. It was so I can have a good look at its light which somehow kept me from fearing the dark.

Time passed by so fast. My faith in Christianity dwindled, my beliefs I found disturbingly too good to be true, religion was slowly becoming just a subject to pass in school, and soon what used to put me in awe had somehow found its way inside a little tin box amongst the other things I wondered why I still kept.

Needless to say, I have no use for this rosary anymore. I still fear the dark but only because it dimmed my sense of sight, played with my fears, and nothing else. It even dawned on me that I didn’t even use this rosary for its true purpose; I just stared at it.

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To the one real thing I’ve ever known…

Posted in life, Special posts by Fated Blue on November 29, 2012

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Dried-Up Tears: Two Fridays In A Row

Posted in life, Special posts by Fated Blue on June 22, 2012

Today, I just found out how foolish I was. Yes, you read that right, foolish. I feel like I’m the world’s dumbest dumb guy ever in the history of being dumb. All I’ve been doing to try and appease the beast was simply a fucking waste of time. The beast simply didn’t want me to try to make it and I go along. She simply wants someone else to appease her. So you know what? Screw her.

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