Sometimes I just have to write it all down because I died again.

The title says it all. I’m listening to Lucius’ “Don’t Just Sit There” and ugh, it just makes me feel…things. You know, the kind of things you don’t really feel or even think about but this song just unearths it like some mad archaeologist in the deepest, darkest burial grounds in my brain.

What did it unearth? A question. It unearthed a question and that question is: Will I ever find love again?

Yeah, that question sucks. I’m 27 now and I’ve only really found legit love once and the last time I saw her was almost four years ago. We never had a thing but I always felt a connection anyway, a feint thread of hope only I was able to see and touch. Granted she hates my guts because I did my best to make sure we never get close (yeah, that’s how I usually am so I don’t blame her), it always bothered me on why I never really got her out of my head (and heart).

I mean, it’s been almost four fucking years since the last time I had a glimpse of her shadow, a whiff of her scent and perfume, a sense of warmth and happiness each time I’m near her. It’s been almost four years since, since, since, since…I saw her drive away and away to a place where I will never reach her.

What did she leave behind? A mess of a table and a mess of a man. No, not a man. A boy, she left a mess of a boy who thought she would never leave his side so he played with her feelings, thinking she’ll one day like you for it. Boy, did you fuck up big time.

Fact of the matter is I tried to drown my memories of her with financial success. I figured, how would I have time for sad memories when all this money is just waiting to rain down on me? I forced myself to believe money can buy happiness and it did but that happiness is increasingly getting more expensive the more I try to repress my feelings. I succeed a lot of times and just when I was about to call it a night, this song comes up in my playlist and I die all over again. This song kills me and I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it so much it hurts and it hurts so bad I die. I die and sometimes I wish I never come back because I see my life here on Earth as nothing but a flickering candle in the dark amidst a windy storm. I feel happy now but I also know anytime my happiness will be taken away from me by things I cannot control and the fear is what makes me just want to burn out already.

“Will I ever find love again?” I asked myself just now at 11:48 PM or 12 before 12. I want to but at the same time I don’t want to because if I did then my priorities, my goals, they would be in disarray. I can’t make a mistake now, I’m so far ahead and I’m not getting any younger. I have to hold my position. Oh damn, what I’d give to have one good day with her.

I’m unsure if I still love her but what I do know is I love this song and the way it breaks me.