Random thoughts re: Koi Wa Ameagari no You ni

There’s a dilemma in meeting someone you end up falling for, but they’re either too old or too young for you.

For one, you get to know each other and find each other’s company to be something to look forward to everyday.

However, you both know the relationship you have can’t go beyond what it already is: Casual and friendly.

It’s like the forbidden fruit, except even though you both didn’t eat it, you still know how good it would have tasted.

So, you both wonder if the two of you would have been happier if you just never met in the first place.

Not knowing what you missed out on holds the exact same meaning as “ignorance is bliss,” and it hurts knowing what prevented the two of you from being together was just a gap between two numbers.

Love may be transcendental, but it’s still bound by society’s invisible chains.

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This was inspired by Aimer’s Ref:rain. I haven’t watched the series or movie yet, but the plot synopsis and song meaning made me write this one down.

To the woman who stole my heart one night in Siargao

For five years I kept telling myself I’ll go through life alone. Ever since another woman left me in pieces, I swore not to feel that kind of pain again.

And for five years it worked. I became successful, I was able to go to places I once dreamed of, I am now able to afford things I used to only wish for.

Then I met you.

Sometimes I just have to write it all down because I died again.

The title says it all. I’m listening to Lucius’ “Don’t Just Sit There” and ugh, it just makes me feel…things. You know, the kind of things you don’t really feel or even think about but this song just unearths it like some mad archaeologist in the deepest, darkest burial grounds in my brain.

What did it unearth? A question. It unearthed a question and that question is: Will I ever find love again?

Pansamantala

“May iba pa ba?”

Tinanong nya ‘ko habang nagsusuot ako ng pantalong pilit nyang pinatanggal sa’kin kanina lang. Kasalukuyan syang nakaupo sa kama nya, kumot lang ang saplot. Nauwi kami sa condo nya sa Makati. Di ko pa mahanap yung polo kong nabuhusan ng alak gawa ng inuman namin ngayong gabi.

“Oo, pero ikaw ang una. Bakit?”

Tila nagpakita ng bahid ng kalungkutan ang mukha nyang sanay sa ngiti. Marahil ito ay dulot ng pagkadismaya sa pagkadiretso ng sagot ko sa kanya.

“Ah, ganun ba,” sabi nya “Pero lahat ba sila tulad ko?”

“Panung tulad mo?” Napatigil ako sa pagbibihis ko. Naupo ako sa tabi nya, sabay haplos sa hubad nyang mga balikat. Ramdam ko ang tensyon at ang pinanggagalingan ng mga tanong nya pero di ko alam kung dapat nga ba akong sumagot.

Dahan-dahan syang tumingin sa mga mata ko habang hawak ang kamay ko sa balikat nya. “Mga tulad ko na may boyfriend na o kaya malapit na ikasal. Yung ibang babae rin ba, ganun din?”

I’m terribly terrible at becoming a terrible person terribly

As much as I don’t want to lose you, I’m afraid I can’t live my life miserably because of a failure that wouldn’t become a success no matter how much I wanted it, and perhaps still want it, to become one.

Don’t get me wrong. I find it troubling that I find myself wanting to get over you.

Missing

It’s been two weeks since you left. Two solid weeks without you disturbing the air that surrounds me when you pass by, without you giving me that cold stare we’re both so capable and fond of, without you making everything else awkward for the both of us.

Without you, without you, without you.

I’ve always wondered since you left. About how you were on your first day, how your day was afterwards, and if you miss us or not. I even wonder, in some far-fetched manner, if you miss me too; if you even think about me.

And She’s Gone.

How much more will I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pain will I have to suffer, to meet you once again?

If a miracle were to happen, I would want to show you immediately
A new morning, who I’ll be from now on
And the words I never said called: “I Love You.”

If our lives could be restarted,
No matter how many times it will be I will go back to you
What I would wanted then would then be nothing
Nothing but just you.

I walked home today. It was a surprise activity even for myself. I found out how it would take me around 1.5 hours to get home from work using the shortest route. I also found out how I would end up talking to myself on how much stupid my life has become.

Today, the only reason for my not quitting work has left the office for good. I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. Hell, I couldn’t even do so much as talk to her. It’s been almost 2 years since we last spoke to one another and I’ve been trying so damn hard to look at other women but I couldn’t. The silence between us always bothered me and it would frustrate me to a point where I’d need to distract myself by talking or making jokes and doing crazy things. Now she’s finally had it with the company and as much as I want to admit that I could live normally without her, I can’t.

I simply can’t. It’s just not that easy.