The title says it all. I’m listening to Lucius’ “Don’t Just Sit There” and ugh, it just makes me feel…things. You know, the kind of things you don’t really feel or even think about but this song just unearths it like some mad archaeologist in the deepest, darkest burial grounds in my brain.
What did it unearth? A question. It unearthed a question and that question is: Will I ever find love again?
“May iba pa ba?”
Tinanong nya ‘ko habang nagsusuot ako ng pantalong pilit nyang pinatanggal sa’kin kanina lang. Kasalukuyan syang nakaupo sa kama nya, kumot lang ang saplot. Nauwi kami sa condo nya sa Makati. Di ko pa mahanap yung polo kong nabuhusan ng alak gawa ng inuman namin ngayong gabi.
“Oo, pero ikaw ang una. Bakit?”
Tila nagpakita ng bahid ng kalungkutan ang mukha nyang sanay sa ngiti. Marahil ito ay dulot ng pagkadismaya sa pagkadiretso ng sagot ko sa kanya.
“Ah, ganun ba,” sabi nya “Pero lahat ba sila tulad ko?”
“Panung tulad mo?” Napatigil ako sa pagbibihis ko. Naupo ako sa tabi nya, sabay haplos sa hubad nyang mga balikat. Ramdam ko ang tensyon at ang pinanggagalingan ng mga tanong nya pero di ko alam kung dapat nga ba akong sumagot.
Dahan-dahan syang tumingin sa mga mata ko habang hawak ang kamay ko sa balikat nya. “Mga tulad ko na may boyfriend na o kaya malapit na ikasal. Yung ibang babae rin ba, ganun din?”
As much as I don’t want to lose you, I’m afraid I can’t live my life miserably because of a failure that wouldn’t become a success no matter how much I wanted it, and perhaps still want it, to become one.
Don’t get me wrong. I find it troubling that I find myself wanting to get over you.
It’s been two weeks since you left. Two solid weeks without you disturbing the air that surrounds me when you pass by, without you giving me that cold stare we’re both so capable and fond of, without you making everything else awkward for the both of us.
Without you, without you, without you.
I’ve always wondered since you left. About how you were on your first day, how your day was afterwards, and if you miss us or not. I even wonder, in some far-fetched manner, if you miss me too; if you even think about me.
How much more will I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pain will I have to suffer, to meet you once again?
If a miracle were to happen, I would want to show you immediately
A new morning, who I’ll be from now on
And the words I never said called: “I Love You.”
If our lives could be restarted,
No matter how many times it will be I will go back to you
What I would wanted then would then be nothing
Nothing but just you.
I walked home today. It was a surprise activity even for myself. I found out how it would take me around 1.5 hours to get home from work using the shortest route. I also found out how I would end up talking to myself on how much stupid my life has become.
Today, the only reason for my not quitting work has left the office for good. I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. Hell, I couldn’t even do so much as talk to her. It’s been almost 2 years since we last spoke to one another and I’ve been trying so damn hard to look at other women but I couldn’t. The silence between us always bothered me and it would frustrate me to a point where I’d need to distract myself by talking or making jokes and doing crazy things. Now she’s finally had it with the company and as much as I want to admit that I could live normally without her, I can’t.
I simply can’t. It’s just not that easy.
A little update on what’s been happening in my life. I thought about doing something like this since I feel that I owe a little bit of a legacy to leave behind even if it’s only in writing form. Maybe a few people might want to read something inside the head of someone who’s practically psycho! 😀
I’m gonna start things off on why I bought this book: The title made me. I’ve been reading John Green’s books with the book before this being Looking For Alaska. And I figured I need a new book with a not-so-different genre. And this book caught my eye.
It has nothing to do with me breaking up with someone nor I fear my special someone’s going to break up with me. I simply wanted a new book in all honesty. I mean, I haven’t had a girlfriend since time immemorial so I guess I simply want to read a book about breaking up.
I’m gong to keep this review short.